Monday, March 06, 2006

I am really pissed right now. I went to class, with my knee really hurting when I used it, and so I did my best considering EVERYONE was significantly higher ranked and a kid. What happened to all the classes I took where it was mostly adults? I don't get that. Anyhow, despite that, I worked on my form, and the new segment is a little confusing, not that I understand where it goes, so I'll have to look it up in my cheat sheet book. OK, fine. Weapons-- nothing new there. Ma'am was back, and she said that we had the creative down, so we just had to embellish it in our own way. DUH, that's what I've been doing. So I'm thinking that I'll really be creative and come up with something of my own, but I'll have to think and play with it. Next, onto board breaking. We could do either foot or hand, so I decided to do hand. Ma'am was fine tuning, as she does. I had mentioned that I'm losing my confidence in my board breaks, so after a few tries, she had me put a pad on my elbow, and BAM, there it was. I think I'll have to do that for a while, at least with the arm. She said I was overthinking the whole thing. Well, there's a lot to remember, after all! I want to do it right! So after a lifetime of thinking, I have to STOP thinking. Who thought that would happen? Sparring was fine. One of the rounds I actually fought against a national weapons champion in the men's division, and he was easy on me, but it was a good sparring. So, I was feeling like it wasn't my best class, nor my worst. Then Ma'am talks about a regional tournament that is this coming weekend that I decided to forego this round and go to the next one. I mentioned to her after class that there's only 2 people in color belt in my age group in the state, so I had a shot at third. She corrected me that only Leadership gets to get points and rank for the state.

I rarely use this language, even in abbreviation, but WTF?

I just, "Oh, okay," but in reality I was crushed. Leadership usually means more money and more classes, and I have a hard enough time getting in the classes I do already, and I really doubt that JC is willing to put anymore money than he already has into TKD right now. DAMN! You see, in the last month or two, I made a conscious decision that I wanted to compete so that I could get points and at least rank on the state level, since there are, as I mentioned, only two other women who are ranked at all in color belt at my age level. So, to even come in third would feel like an achievement. Now it means that all my hard work has been for nothing. I work just as hard as anyone else, and I cannot be rewarded for it. This is just another example of how I work very hard at something, and yet I don't even get recognition for what I've done, and someone else does. It sucks. So, I told Ma'am that I'd go to her tournament in July, and I probably will, but I'm not going to the regional one next month as I had planned. I mean, what's the point? Just for the sake of competing? Just for the sake of practice? Practicing what? I don't know if I ever would want to do leadership. I've thought about it, but I don't think the time is right, as I'm unsure about myself in that kind of role or my abilities. But the fact that I put myself out there, and it's not really recognized or rewarded--then what's the point?

I cried all the way home. I am really that disappointed, angry and frustrated. I'm not going to try so hard anymore. I just need to get to my black belt and prove that I can make it that far. Where I go from there, whether I chose to pursue a second degree black belt after that, who knows. It just seems unfair. It just feels like another instance of me having to work just as hard or harder to get somewhere, and end up nowhere. And the thing is, I told Ma'am my intention of competing. Maybe she didn't know that's why I thought I'd try, so I could attempt to rank, but she should have told me that in order to get points I'd have to be in leadership. I mean, that's basic info, don't you think? It also doesn't help that she's telling me this when I'm PMS'ing and really hungry from my diet and working out. Not fair.

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