In over my head

I wrote a little about this in my regular blog, but I'll expound upon it here. I am really feeling way in over my head still about joining leadership. I mean, what was I thinking? I think there are some higher expectations for me too now, since I am getting more involved in the business side of things and not just the instructor end of things.

Before class started, Ma'am told me she had some things for me on her desk. I couldn't exactly imagine what it was, but it was materials for the tournament program. She said the person who used to do it is no longer with the school and never thought that was happening (whatever), but nobody had copies of what they had, so she had some older stuff from Master Raimondi to use as guides. She seems to be having a lot of confidence in having me do this. Yikes. I'll do my best, of course, but still, it's a big responsibility.

Class was more intense than this program business. Three of the instructor trainees are up for testing, so we were all used as their guinea pigs of sorts while they "practiced". The one teenager, Ms. Chunko who has taught Drew quite a bit, did fine. Ms. Kawaski also did fine,. Both of them teach the kids on a regular basis, so most of it came naturally to them. Mr. Dr. Phillips (as there is a Mrs. Dr. Phillips) seemed a little more awkward, and didn't know exactly how to keep things humming. His attitude was good, but he kinda stumble and faultered in talking to us. I'm sure he'll be fine-- he already teached Kendo fighting, so maybe it was just being put on the spotlight that made him nervous. What made me anxious had to do with being the only color belt in the class. The information that was being presented for these instructors' testing was material I haven't done at all. There were skills and steps I've never done, combinations I've never done, and it was thrown at us kamikaze style, or at least it felt that way to me. That's simply because a) I don't know any of this material, whereas these black belts all had it a long time ago and b) I swear I'm getting old and don't pick up stuff as quickly as I used to. I was paired up with Victoria, and I'm sure she was rather annoyed with me. She knows the material inside and out, and is one of Ma'am better teen teachers, but I think I tried her patience a little, but not intentionally. I was doing roundkicks when I should've been doing side kicks, which she was constantly correcting, and the reverse crescent kicks thoroughly confused me. I was making an effort though, and laughing at myself when I royally screwed up. Oh well. The only thing I can say is that I'm sure that I will have a fairly natural ability to teach than some people. I am a people person after all. I know I work with the SA kids and the little kids well, so that will help. I had been talking to a fellow adult student tonight who has his black belt, but started in leadership a few months ago, and he said he hasn't cracked open the big manual as of yet, so that was a little encouraging that I'm not the only one who feels like it's a lot of information.

After class with the post-meeting, Ma'am mentioned some business stuff and that I was involved in them. I guess it was cool that she was pointing me out as more of a person getting into the business end of things, but somewhat intimidating at the same time, seeing that I'm just starting to get my toes wet in all of this.

I'm just feeling rather overwhelmed by all of this. What have I gotten myself into? I've said this before, that I know there is no rush in learning all this or getting involved in this stuff, but still...it's a lot to swallow even a little at a time when you look at the magnitude of it all. What was I thinking? Was my drive to do competitions and have a chance at some tournament glory a moment when I was pulling the wool over my own eyes? I don't know. While I feel like there is outside confidence that I can do this, I'm really feeling my own self-esteem wavering. Man, if I fail at this, it's going to be a big blow. Why do I always jump in head first at full force instead of just biding my time?

In the meantime, Drew was up to some of his usual antics in class. I could see he was half participating here and there. He had an argument with me just before class, where he wanted to run on the mats, and even asked another boy to do it with him. The boy very politely declined, and he had also been told that he wasn't supposed to run on the mats anyway, so major temper tantrum tears ensued. It took a while to calm him down. At least I got a pinch of introductory training today. I was shown how the cards are checked in to show attendence in class. It was easy, but I have to say that I wonder if the girls really pay attention. The program showed that 9 kids were there merely from their cards, when there was clearly more than that, and that's not including the introductory kids visiting. Oh well. When I start to get to know everyone, then it'll be easier to get the hang of things and make sure records are more accurate. I also spent some time cutting up sheets that had paper stars to hand out in class. so that kept me a little occupied. Drew was happy at the end of class as he got his certificate showing that he was an orange belt.

We have our interschool tournament on Friday, so we'll see how that goes. Drew seems to be interested in getting a medal, and participating. Only time will tell.