Smackdown

Man, it's been a tough couple of days. First, I have to explain, I've been sick again. What's the deal? The weather has been wrecking havoc on my system with allergies, to the point that I have one of those nasty sore throats whereby you can't swallow unless you have taken some major painkillers, and even then it doesn't go away. Yesterday, I was feeling so wiped out that I didn't go to classes at all. I had an interview for a job that I'm hoping that I'll get, so I missed morning class, went to work, and was ready to pass out when I got home. After getting the boy from the bus stop, I did take a nap for an hour and a half, got up to make dinner, then tried going back to sleep again. Only after taking another dose of OTC medication was I able to even eat anything, and I still felt achy and yuck for the rest of the night. I was just not in any shape to do anything last night.

I got interesting news yesterday. Sandy was very concerned that I wouldn't take it well, and I can see why she-- and SW thought so too--thought I'd be upset. Here's the deal. As of today, based on the belts, Sandy is a belt behind me, or 2 cycles, depending on how you look at it. When you get to the upper color belts, namely brown, red and red/black, you do two cycles through each belt instead of one, like the previous colors. Well, Sandy had completed her first cycle of brown, and I'm completing my first cycle of red. She called me to forewarn me that after the next graduation, she's being promoted to red. In other words, she's doing her brown, and probably her red, and possibly her red/black, in one cycle each. I'll admit, yeah, it bothers me a little bit. I work just as hard as she does, and am the only color belt adult in leadership right now at my school. Or at least the only color belt who attends leadership/instructor class. But I still have to do it the long way. I'm really bored with the curriculum now, hence why I do all the weapons that aren't the norm at the moment, to keep things interesting for me. But at the same time, I am following the same track that about 99.9% of the students ahead of me have taken, so I really have no reason to complain. And if anyone has earned the right to be fast tracked, it's Sandy. So I have no bad feelings towards her at all. And even SW said she was outranked in the decision, and she didn't like the methodology of how BB is handling this, but again, he outranks her. It's one of those times that her age and experience should've outranked him other than a belt, but there you go. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. Besides, what have I done differently at my school that should make me privy to something different from everyone else? Nothing. I'm just a little color belt, after all.

Things didn't get any better when I went to class tonight. I went with the intent of working on my forms and getting my break to qualify to test out of the way. What a disaster! Besides the fact that I'm not at my usual 90% (I don't think I'll ever be 100%), because one of the kids didn't show up for work, I ended up helping out at the front desk for the majority of the time during class. I rushed through my form once, didn't know my kihaps, and just screwed it all up big time. I'm supposed to be competing with this form in TWO DAYS. Damn. I did my sword routine fast, not like I've been able to practice it in two weeks, and I was trying to remember it at all. I was told it was passable for TKD graduation next week, but good thing I'm not testing for Gumdo. :-S Well, thanks a lot, I think! Then, time for board breaking. No problem with the elbow break. I just could NOT get that RJSK break, even on wood. I was getting very frustrated. RA had me take a break, stretch some more, and if I could stay after a little into the black belt class, I could work on it some more. Well, I thought I was going to have a second chance to break for testing, and instead, it was just getting it so that I'd break for the night. I couldn't start over. It was just as well, as I was still having problems. It wasn't until the very last time that RA realized that the problem was that I was starting my run too close to the board. Damn this break! I've NEVER, EVER not broken my testing boards on the first try. I hate this break. I've been working on it nonstop. And to be honest, I don't have time to go to another class to break. I'd normally go to board breaking class on Saturday and probably get it done there, but I'll be at the tournament, which I'm evidentally unprepared for, on Saturday. I don't usually go to Monday or Tuesday classes, and Wednesday, there is no class due to graduation. So, I have no choice but to go on Monday or Tuesday, which I hate. I wasn't warmed up, I didn't get the workout or the review I needed. I am actually very upset. I guess I should be upset at myself, but in actuality, my form in doing the break was fine, it was that distance. I have NEVER not broken on the first try. And I'm really afraid that I'm not going to be able to qualify to test, thus putting me a cycle behind, and getting me more bored. (Man, in just writing this, I'm starting to cry, that's how upset I am.) There are other stressors in my life, sure, and I haven't been feeling well, but still, I am really feeling the pressure of all this. This time, I might not be able to do it. I am SO close to getting 1st in the state in weapons, but I have to compete in the other stuff too, and I HAVE to get this board break in so I can qualify to test. This so sucks. I have to let the other stuff fade away a little so I can concentrate, I guess. And get healthier again very fast.

I feel very defeated. I am feeling very bitter and frustrated. I feel like I've been smacked down. Have I done it to myself? I don't think so. I've done my best under the circumstances as of late, and I've worked hard. I really don't know what's going on. There are things around me that I can't control lately, and this doesn't help matters, when I CAN help it a little bit, and yet, I can't fix it. Maybe some of this is PMS talking (sorry guys, but you know me to be blunt). But I often say, and ask the females around you, but when it's PMS time, it can be the same issues, but the volume is turned up. My husband's favorite phrase is, "Where's the volume dial, because we need to turn it down!". I don't think it is. I'd still feel very deflated from all of this.

I've come so far to be sidetracked.

This just in: I just got an email back from SW, as I told her about the chaos of the evening. Much to my relief, she said that she'll work with me on the breaks, even if we have to spend one on one time to do it in the next few days, and assured me not to worry. I sometimes forget that I have to trust her. She DOES know what she's doing, and when the going has gotten tough, she hasn't let me down yet.

OK, I think that's enough for tonight. Maybe I need to go to bed early and get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day.