I'm feeling defeated and frustrated, but it's all self-imposed. Class was a little smaller than usual for a Saturday, which I didn't mind. As usual, I was the lowest ranked, but I got some individual attention. Victoria, aka Miss Plummer, helped me with my form and one-steps, and helped me a little with working on my numchuks, which I have to figure out that Korean word for the same thing. But anyway, which I was working on my form, Nancy, who is a new admin staff member picking up some hours and usually works at Capobianco's ATA (Mrs. C is Ma'am teacher, to put it in perspective), was watching me, and kept saying that I shouldn't look so frustrating and try so hard-- it was written on my face, as I had a furrowed brow as I did everything, and to not be so hard on myself. I explained that part of it was me trying to remember and concentrate, but part of it was also that the form and one steps are so easy compared to the other forms I did, I'm always thinking that I'm messing up because I'm leaving something out or adding something, when I'm probably not, so that's why my brain feels scrambled with it. Same with the numchuk thing. I really have to practice that figure 8 thing and there's a part of it I didn't remember, that I don't do so well, so I really need to work on it. Then we went onto sparring. I started out sparring Winnie, one of my usual partners, and that was pretty good-- I'm getting better at sparring her. Then I sparred Emily. Emily is the Special Abilities Women's World Champion, as she has CP, and she spars from a wheelchair. OK, I don't have a problem with that, not at all. I'm thinking, that'll be easier to do, and I just have to watch my aim. I was told, just go for it the same way you do others, and I'll be fine. So I did. I think because I'm so tall vs. her in the wheelchair, I was kicking a little too high, and almost got her in the face a few times. I kept aiming for her chest (we all have chest pads on, after all), but I'd still kick a little high, so I was apologizing a little bit. She was easy to punch at, so that gave me a break. Ma'am decided to torture us with a third round, and I ended up with Lindsay again. She's the one that nearly beat me up a little while ago. She was feeling tired, and I said, "Then I'll be easy to spar-- you can even use me as your punching/practice dummy". She still got me, but it wasn't as bad as the last time. I was more prepared for it. So, maybe I am actually getting a little better. I know that I'm being more offensive than defensive now, so hopefully that will help. But I still suck. Then there was the board breaking. What I used to like, I'm starting to dislike. Victoria was being very helpful with her advice on adjusting how I was breaking the board, and Ma'am even intervened because I still was making mistakes, no fault of Victoria. It's just not clicking. Victoria said that she's continue to work with me on it, but next time with an arm pad, and wood. My practice board is SO stiff it's not even funny. I don't know how to break it in more, but it does work properly. Even one of my hits did split the board slightly, but not enough to break, so I know I was doing it right to some degree. Supposedly, speed is part of my problem, but for me, it's hard to gauge. Oh well, that's why we have lessons.

Maybe I am beating myself up with this. It started out easy, and now it's getting frustrating, as I don't feel like I'm making progress, and here's I've told Ma'am that I want to try to compete now. What was I thinking? I don't mind being challenged, but I feel I've just come up to a point where no matter what I do, whether it's TKD or elsewhere, I try to meet the challenge and always fall flat. The harder I work and try, the harder I fall. I'm feeling rather frustrated, and this is only a hobby. I haven't gotten THAT worked up about it yet, as it's only an exercise program, and it's going to be a long time before I get to the black belt level. I'll get it eventually, but I'm not exactly known for my patience in these kinds of things, hence why I'm hard on myself! I can't understand why it's not coming. I understand the logistics, and I keep thinking that I'm executing them, and somehow I'm not. Unlike in my business, where I'm at the mercy of others, here, I'm at the mercy of the limitations or abilities of my own body, which I have more control over. Or so I thought. What's wrong with me? I sound so extreme, but I'm just really disappointed and frustrated, but not at the manic stage about it yet.

Well, there's always Tuesday.