Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Black Belts don't cry

The stress is really getting to me, and tonight was evidence of that. I have been working VERY hard with trying to complete the move of my house (hey, it might only be to the other side of my small town, but still, a move is a move!), and I am physically, mentally and emotionally worn out, and the job isn't done yet. There is still so much to do to get the rest of our stuff out of the old house, and still attempt to organize our new house as well. It's rather overwhelming.

Add to that, just the second day back to work, that SW was in, and while the day went positively overall, she is trying to start the new year on an up note, so she was giving me a million and one directions of things that needed to be done sooner than later, and she's planning things out as far as the end of April at this point... I ended up even saving the day for her, when she had a business appointment that she couldn't find the location, and where she had failed earlier in finding the information about the place online, I found it and got her to where she needed to go.

So tonight, in instructor class I lost it. Not in front of her or anyone else, I think, but I lost it. I couldn't help but start to cry. And when you are under enough pressure, whether self-induced or otherwise, something slight can just set you off, and that's what happened. More in a moment.

This morning's class wasn't too bad. SM was there, and she and I end up being partners, and that's good. We complement each other well with our drive to do well and work together well. The other color belt in there, who's just a little higher than me, doesn't have that same fire in her belly as SM and I do, so it's just as well, even though the other one is working on the same form as I am. That class went fine, it was not too hard. When we had to work on weapons, I helped SM a little with her new ssang-nats (aka kamas), but I tried working on my SJB too, and I really didn't get any help.

So, fast forward to tonight's instructor class. All was going fine for the most part. As usual, I'm the only color belt in there, but I think everyone is used to me being there all the time (I've only missed one class since starting last spring, and that was right before the holidays). SW said that she is going to add a little something to the curriculum, which many ATA schools do, but not always. She said BB does this at Pennington, but she never did, but liked this particular idea. She wants to start teaching the kids especially some of the self-defense moves. She wouldn't teach both per form per cycle (for example, she wouldn't be doing both of them associated with Songahm #1, but just one of them, and then do the other the next cycle that S#1 comes up). It would be an opportunity for the younger ones especially to learn some good defenses in "stranger danger", which I think would be good for Drew to learn, so as a parent, I was all for it.

After we reviewed the self-defense stuff, and the forms and one-steps for S#1 and #5 that is the current curriculum, we were each sent off to work on either forms or weapons in order to practice for the March 10th tourney. Well, I really, honestly don't know what I'm going to do for weapons (or my XMA stuff at this point). So I fiddled with my kamas, as they are somewhat comfortable to work with, while debating if I should be doing kamas or BME for competition. (I know that BME routine inside and out, and have gotten 3rd twice at regional tournaments with it.) I dunno. So, I'm thinking that maybe I should work on my form. Since the tournament is after we start a new cycle, and I've done In-Wha #1 (competed with it last year at my first regional tournament at the same time last year), I took out the cheat sheet for it, and was reviewing it. And then it happened. SW found me with it, and told me that I shouldn't be working on it, because I don't know it. I explained that I did know it, it's what I did a year ago, that's what we'd be working on by that time in the new cycle, so I was just reviewing it-- it'll come back to me. She countered me firmly but not in a scolding way that I was NOT going to do IW#1, but do S#5, as that's what I'm working on, and it'll only be two weeks out from graduation when I'll do it first for an interschool, and then this tournament a week later. After trying to debate it with her and then a final, "Yes, Ma'am", I put the sheet away in the bin it's kept in, and walked to the ladies' room, as I was just holding back the tears and the bawling. Even writing about this, I'm tearing up. I'm really scared about this tourney. I want to do SO well in it. Maybe I'm psyching myself out of it before I even get signed up or whatever. I don't know. Maybe it's just the pressure at home as well, and between the pressure at home, work and the pressure I'm putting on myself with this, mixed in with the confusion of what I need to do to prepare for this tourney, is just getting to me.

While I had a week off from TKD, the rest of my life in the past week has just been highly overwhelming (don't even get me started on the things OUTSIDE the move) that I just need a break from....well, life. But there is no end in sight just yet. I know there will be a point when everything is finally moved out of my old house, and I will have the new place cleaned and organized, and I will know my forms inside and out and have a plan for the XMA and weapons stuff, and will be confident in my sparring skills. But when that is....I don't know. And I can't take a break. I am SOOOO close to my black belt, and I don't want to lose the momentum. If I end up getting arthroscopic surgery (ugh, another thing I haven't had a chance to follow up on yet), I still plan on going to class, even if I have to limp through my forms on crutches. I want that black belt in August!

I feel embarassed that I was crying and had to compose myself. It wasn't like she was yelling at me. She has, and about bigger things, so why did this set me off? I think it's stress. And while TKD has often been a stress-buster for me, I'm wondering if I'm taking it a little TOO seriously lately, or if life is just a little too serious lately. I dunno. :-(


Anonymous said...

*hugs* Sounds like one of those days. And it's understandable. And I understand your frustration on the forms stuff. I, like you, would rather do the higher form rather than the newest if I felt I could do it.

Oh, and I'm planning on being around for the A... and hopefully the interschool *crosses fingers*


Miss Chris said...

I hate days like that. I am definitely guilty of taking karate too seriously. Hope it gets better.

blackbeltmama said...

I think there is so much pressure when black belt is within reach. I've found myself recently thinking more about the end result than the journey and that is not what I want to be doing. I went to class with a new attitude this week and it really helped. I put the fun back in it and concentrated on working on anything-not just stuff I need for testing.

It sounds like you need a vacation. My best friend and I are talking about hitting a spa for my birthday for a weekend away. I really hope we do it because I feel like you-totally stressed.

Hang in there!